(by Casey Standen)
Some children love tutoring. They seek it out, beg their parents, do extra work and look forward to their tutoring sessions. If you鈥檝e clicked your way here, then your child probably isn鈥檛 doing that. They may not want tutoring; they may think it鈥檚 a waste of time or that you鈥檙e ruining their life by even suggesting it. But you know how valuable tutoring is as part of their education. So how do you get your reluctant child to their first tutoring session?
Despite our best efforts, there鈥檚 still no universal solution for getting young people to do things that are good for them without the drama, so we鈥檝e rounded up ten tried and tested strategies for you to tailor to your situation. We鈥檝e also listed ten tactics to avoid 鈥� quick bandaids that might seem to solve the problem in the moment but can create much bigger ones later on.
1. Talk it through聽
No one likes to have decisions made for them. If tutoring is presented to your child like an edict, that鈥檚 a one-way ticket to Resentment Town. Talking it over and walking them through your motivations and thought processes gives them some reassurance that tutoring isn鈥檛 a punishment, that you don鈥檛 think they鈥檙e stupid, and that there is scope for them to be involved in any decisions and discussions around it.
2. Butter them up
Asking a reluctant child to go to tutoring is asking them to make themselves vulnerable to a stranger. That kind of vulnerability is much easier to face when you鈥檝e just had a big dose of meaningful and specific parental praise.
Tell them you鈥檙e proud of them, of their bravery, grit, perseverance and resilience. Let them know that while they may benefit from tutoring in one subject, you see how well they鈥檙e doing in another, or how much you value their creativity and dedication with a hobby that they love.
Telling them 鈥淚 love you鈥� is always a winner, but giving specific praise makes it much harder for your child to dismiss the compliment with 鈥減arents have to say that鈥�.
3. Be prepared to bargain
Kids have a lot on their plates. Sure, they don鈥檛 have bills to pay, colleagues to contend with, dinner to plan or the rising cost of petrol to ruminate over. But they do have six or seven subjects to tackle every day as well as sports and hobbies that feel like work, hormone-fuelled friendships to navigate and a lot of physical growing to do.聽
Adding tutoring to their to-do list might just feel like the last straw for your child, so be prepared to bargain. Try trading an hour of tutoring a week for their music lesson with that instrument they no longer love. Or, resources allowing, if they do tutoring 鈥榝or you鈥� then they get to do that art class they鈥檝e been eyeing off for themselves.聽
Bargaining means showing your child that you respect them, their time and their interests. The goal is to ease pressure and prioritise perceived benefit to them. Don鈥檛 let it turn into bribery, which we tackle below.
4. Prepare
Have you ever been to a medical appointment where you don鈥檛 know the doctor, what the problem is or how they鈥檙e going to test what鈥檚 going on? Remember that feeling in the waiting room or when you watch them put on gloves? Your child might feel exactly the same way about tutoring.聽
An easy way to manage this anticipatory void is to build some expectations:聽
*What kind of things will a tutor probably ask them, or talk about with them? School work, marks and things they鈥檙e interested in.聽
*Will there be a test in the first five minutes? No!聽
*Should they bring anything? No, but if there鈥檚 a burning question then sure!聽
*How long will it go for? Depends on your booking but normally no more than an hour.聽聽
*What do I call the tutor? They will tell you. It鈥檒l probably their first name, but we do all also respond to 鈥楳iss/Sir鈥� or 鈥楳r/Mrs Last Name鈥�. We also don鈥檛 take offence at the accidental 鈥楳um/Dad鈥�.聽
Any other questions 鈥� ask the tutor or the tutoring company! It鈥檚 in everyone鈥檚 best interests that the first session goes well, so don鈥檛 be shy about preparation.
5. Lower the stakes
Make sure your child knows that their behaviour in the session, their reaction afterwards and their perception of the value of the session will in no way impact their relationship with you.聽
Before the session starts, make a plan for afterwards; what you鈥檒l eat for dinner, whether or not you鈥檒l go to the park or watch a movie together, and which movie? If you decide these things with your child鈥檚 preferences in mind and follow through regardless of what happens in their tutoring session, you鈥檙e lowering the stakes so that your child can relax, knowing that their world won鈥檛 be impacted by their tutoring session.
6. Create shortcuts
It can take a long time for anyone to process a new and stimulating interaction like tutoring, but you can work with your child to code in some immediate feedback and help them to feel seen and safe while they鈥檙e processing.聽One way is to decide on some signals and shortcuts that they can use to communicate how they鈥檙e feeling and reacting, mid-session. Some ideas:
Signal: 鈥橤et me out now鈥�
Shortcut: Text parent a pre-decided, unrelated word that can鈥檛 be used accidentally during the session. This may seem excessive but for kids with trauma, neurodiversity or just strong intuition it can be fundamentally enabling to have a plan like this, and for kids without those complexities, a safety net is always a bonus.
Signal: 鈥楾his is great, I鈥檝e got this鈥�
Shortcut: Text parent a thumbs up to let them know they can stop hovering or worrying for the rest of the session time.
Another idea is to decide in advance with your child that the first question you鈥檒l ask after tutoring is 鈥楢re we going to have another session?鈥� This puts you on the same team, gives your child the choice and saves them from justifying that choice because they may not be able to yet. With the same forewarning, let them know that if the answer is 鈥榥o鈥� then there are some follow up questions that they can answer in their own time like 鈥榠s there anything you wish the tutor could just know without being told?鈥� or 鈥榳ould you be interested in changing tutors?鈥�. That opens the door for troubleshooting with the tutor or the tutoring company but doesn鈥檛 ask more than a yes or no from your child.
7. Negotiate goals
The first tutoring session is a lot like an interview. The tutor is trying to figure out where your child is in their learning, what their goals are and how they can best help your child. You can help your child to take advantage of this by preparing some goals, hopes, and expectations to discuss with the tutor.聽
This can be a great opportunity to learn about your child. You may not share the same goals, and they might surprise you with their interests or perceptions of themselves. By articulating these goals together, you鈥檙e showing that you respect them as a person who will one day be independent of you.
Knowing that their goals matter means your child can also think about goals that they might not want to share with you. From experience, that can range from 鈥業 just want to keep my parent from nagging me about this subject鈥� to 鈥業 just want to beat my sibling in this subject鈥� and 鈥業 just want to be able to show my parent that I鈥檓 not dumb鈥�. These kinds of goals help tutors to judge your child鈥檚 priorities and concerns, and can shape how the tutor coaches your child to build their confidence and self-esteem, and to reframe their goals into more positive mindsets.
8. Build some boundaries
Hiring a tutoring service, like hiring any kind of help, is not the same as hiring a fairy godparent to dissolve every problem your child faces. Tutoring cannot make someone smarter, happier, calmer or more organised. But it can help your child to find new and different pathways to using and demonstrating their intelligence, to practice difficult skills, to reframe their perceptions of their abilities, to find their aptitudes and to cultivate more peaceful work styles.聽
Drawing clear boundaries around your child鈥檚 expectations of the tutoring process, and being realistic about what can be achieved through tutoring, can help them to face that first session. Knowing that their tutor isn鈥檛 out to change them but is likely to prompt helpful changes in their academic behaviour, can be a big relief to the reluctant child.聽
It also empowers them to control what they tell the tutor – they don鈥檛 have to tell their tutor about their physical health, friendship dramas, fears, dreams or film preferences if they don鈥檛 want to. The tutor is there to help them, not to fix them.
9. Practice what you preach
Two of the most motivating feelings for humans are camaraderie and competition. These have their benefits and drawbacks in education and society, but in the context of getting a reluctant child to tutoring, you can hack these drives to help your child and yourself.聽
Tutoring is about learning on purpose. So why not try the same thing yourself?聽
Do a deal with your child that while they鈥檙e in tutoring, you鈥檙e learning something challenging too. Whether it鈥檚 a new language, a skill you鈥檝e been reluctant to gain at work or putting yourself outside of your comfort zone in your side hustle, sharing the challenge with your child will be deeply motivating for you both. You鈥檒l also be able to talk about your progress as equals and get to know each other better.
Tactics to Avoid
1. Don鈥檛 bribe or threaten: this is the easiest and most damaging trap to fall into. It demotivates your child, makes you feel like an ogre and inhibits communication.
2. Don鈥檛 surprise them: How would you enjoy a surprise performance review at work or a surprise visit to the dentist? No? Then don鈥檛 do it to your child when the goal is for them to learn.
3. Don鈥檛 pull rank: Telling a child they鈥檙e going to do something because you said so, or they鈥檙e going because they鈥檙e going, is not going to encourage them to learn. This is an understandable tactic, and can be useful for getting chores done, but for meaningful activities it damages trust, self-perception and communication.
4. Don鈥檛 compare or make it a competition: Telling your child that they鈥檙e not as smart as someone or that they need to maintain their edge on someone tells them that you value them based on their performance against others. That鈥檚 a recipe for anxiety, low self-esteem and resentment. Similarly, comparing a child to their siblings, relatives or peers can only set children up for disappointment and distrust.聽 It assumes that everyone has the same intellectual and emotional resources. Not even conjoined twins have the same intelligence, skills, abilities or interests.
5. Don鈥檛 dismiss them: If you dismiss tutoring as normal or as 鈥渘ot a big deal鈥�, you鈥檙e telling your reluctant child that their concerns aren鈥檛 valid.
6. Don鈥檛 guilt them: If your child hasn鈥檛 asked for tutoring, why make them feel guilty about your choice to spend their time and your money on it? Even if it works, guilt is not a positive starting point for taking ownership of your learning.
7. Don鈥檛 martyr yourself: Tutoring for your child might be a part of your efforts to give them opportunities you didn鈥檛 have, and that鈥檚 a wonderful thing. It鈥檚 helpful for children to know how lucky they are, but, like guilt, trapping your child into tutoring with parental self-sacrifice is not a healthy starting point.
8. Don鈥檛 make assumptions: Forcing your child into tutoring so that they can achieve a particular ATAR or pursue a particular career without checking that they actually have an interest in those goals for themselves closes off meaningful conversations about your child鈥檚 priorities, interests and personality. If your child has their heart set on a particular post-school path, knows the way to get there and is achieving what they need to to get there, then tutoring in an irrelevant subject risks wasting their time and emotional energy.
9. Don鈥檛 blame the teacher/s: Learning is a complicated thing with many factors at play, so blame is an entirely unhelpful, and distracting concept in education.聽It can also teach your child that it鈥檚 ok to find someone to blame instead of taking responsibility for themselves.
Blame is not going to give your child any positive emotions about going to that first tutoring session, so even if it鈥檚 a factor in your situation, try a different tactic to get them into tutoring.
How can 黑料网 help?
黑料网鈥檚 team of enthusiastic, empathetic and intuitive educators are happy to help get your child to their first tutoring session, to facilitate communication between you, your child and the tutor and to respond to your child鈥檚 evolving needs as they grow and learn.聽
